Godly Sexuality – Friends With Benefits?

There was an article on sexuality from the Huffington Post issued March 23, which went into some detail about the ‘benefits’ of casual sexual relations between ‘friends.’ This article states there’s nothing wrong with these kinds of actions, and that it actually will make you a better person for it. Are these claims true? If so, why shouldn’t we follow this advice? There are, however, several things to consider before we take off down the road to no-strings-attached sex. There are several points from the author (D. A. Wolf) which, on the surface, seem to make some sense.

Heb 13:4

 Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

If you approach the topic of sexuality without God’s Word to compare it to, it just might make some sense. However, as in any other situation in life if you don’t compare the thoughts you’re having with God’s Word you are without any guidelines and without any compass. You will soon find yourself in a tremendous amount of trouble and heartache.

The first thing she looks at regarding sexuality is how others perceive casual sex. She alludes to the ‘bad rap’ this kind of friendship might have, and seems to think that most people believe people aren’t supposed to experience desire or lust after a divorce. The fact is that desire is natural and is a part of the soul. You meet someone, you feel an ‘attraction’ to that person and you pursue it from there. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to another person (as long as that attraction lines up with the Word – but more on that in a minute). But there is something wrong with being in lust; a point which she doesn’t seem to understand. Attraction is one thing, but lust is something else. Lust emanates from the flesh, which is part of our fallen human nature. It seeks to take instead of give. It is completely self-centered and goes against the outline God has given for having healthy and satisfying relationships;

1 John 2:16-17

For all that is in the world — the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life — is not of the Father but is of the world.

New King James Version

Lust is a trap because no matter how much you indulge your lust it will always crave more. Just ask anyone who is involved in pornography.

The next point she tries to make is that the period after the divorce is the best time to engage in casual sex. The problem is that divorce indicates that something went wrong, either with the person who left, the one who was left or with both of the people involved. Divorce was never God’s design in the first place! The fact that there is a split between those two people shows that something was missing from the union. That ‘something’ is a commitment to God’s Word. Do Christians get divorced? Yes, but not for the reason Christ states is acceptable. The fact that people get divorced in the first place should be a good indication of the lack of understanding and application of God’s Word in the lives of those involved.

Ms. Wolf then goes into analysis mode, asking if people don’t need ‘real friends’ in which to confide, laugh with, etc. But she doesn’t stop there, as she immediately tries to associate casual sex with accomplishing these other goals. The fact that you would think you have to have sex with someone to be a real friend is a dangerous and absurd way of looking at relationships. Casual sex cheapens those relationships, not strengthens them.

The next thing she tries to ‘help’ with is a reminder to make sure you’re having ‘safe’ sex, and she equates ‘safe sex’ with condom use, privacy protection and avoiding having sex with the person you no longer have a relationship with. As with the other advice in this article, it is misguided and harmful. Condoms, of and by themselves, are only as good as the people doing the application – and even then they are not 100% guaranteed successful. They have failure rates from 10-25% or more. Those aren’t very good odds! Condoms won’t protect you from all diseases, and promiscuous people have a high number of incurable diseases they will ‘share’ with you as they ‘share’ their bodies.

Something else to think about is the myth of ‘protecting your privacy.’ It is a very rare thing to find a person who won’t eventually discuss their personal lives – and yours – with someone else. As society slides down the slope of promiscuity, that kind of talk will just get worse and more prevalent. And to tell you the truth I am mystified as to what distinction she makes about former lovers. She seems to think it’s OK to have sex with just about anyone, so what would it matter who that someone is? This is just another example of how twisted thinking leads you down dark and lonely alleys. She even goes on to state that this ‘benefit’ prevents romantic feelings.

Excuse me? How many of us remember the feeling we had when we first met someone we really liked, especially if the feeling was mutual? I still remember my first girlfriend’s name, and that was over 35 years ago. People who engage in this kind of sexuality face the very real danger of searing their conscience. Perhaps she doesn’t experience those feelings anymore because she has had so many sexual partners she can’t feel much of anything any longer?

This brings us to the real problem with the concept of sexuality and the supposed ‘benefits’ among friends – the promise of a benefit is a lie. It trivializes and cheapens your relationships because you start looking at people more for what you can get from them than what you can give to them. It introduces the probability (not just possibility) of contracting some STD, and to make it better it could be potentially incurable. You should also know there are other, more frightening diseases out there than just STDs. Casual sex promotes distrust and jealousy, because if they are being ‘friendly’ to you, what makes you think they aren’t being ‘friendly’ to others? And of course the ultimate reason to avoid this trap is this; it denigrates and perverts the union God originally established between men and women. Following His design gives us the opportunity to establish loving and lasting sexual relations with our best friend, our husband or wife!